I can’t believe a month has passed since my last post. Sorry for my silence but I felt like a need of shutting everything down for a while. I had to find my inner self and figure out what’s next in my life. Not that I had made any plans to get married, have many children and live happily ever after in a white picket fenced little house on the prairie with the new-ex; but we had gotten ourselves into a comfortable routine of being with each other and I had to re-adjust to living alone.
And, of course, if you figured me out a little bit you’ll guess, that meant going down a spiral of working long hours and spending whatever free time I have watching as many episodes as I could of Game of Thrones, House of Cards and… Grey’s Anatomy. I made an effort to see a few friends, but mostly I enjoyed hanging around the house in my pajamas. Then, I got bored.
So, last week, I decided “enough of that, time to shake things up!” I filled my fridge with fresh food, started running again, went out to a couple of MeetUp happy hour, fixed what needed to be around the house (hello new shower!), did a good spring cleaning. That felt right, and I felt ready. But ready for what?
Breaking free of the golden jail
For the last month or so, I had locked myself in a golden jail, trying not to think about what was coming next: going back on the dating scene. Whether it was letting myself go and indulging in various heart-warming activities or taking control back on my own life and feeling like I was ready for a new beginning, it was before anything a way of not thinking about the evidence: I don’t want to be alone, so, one day or another, I’ll have to suck it up and put myself out there. Brr… what an unattractive perspective.
All of this hit yesterday when a friend of mine, to whom I had mentioned the breakup, contacted me to ask me if she could give my phone number to one of her single guy friends. I found myself dumbfounded: what shall I say? After a quick look at the guy’s picture on his business website (stable job, check), I did not remember much of him (we had met before apparently). But then again, nothing to complain about. He looked fine, had great reviews from my friend and seemed like an overall good time for (I’m trying to utter the word)… a date.
A date. Just the thought of it gives me the chills.
Oh having to re-live those awkward moments when you both have to find a way to learn more about the person while trying to be your best in order to impress them… So much work. Such a headache. It feels as appealing to me as a job interview.
I was so comfortable in my golden jail, why do I have to go back out there?
Because I don’t want to be alone. Not all the time at least. So I need to take some risks and a good old leap of faith that there’s someone out there, someone that will bring me joys and tenderness, someone that will love me and not be afraid. And to deserve that someone, I can’t be afraid myself.
So here’s to my last days in the golden jail. Tomorrow I jump. Figuratively and literally.