Only a couple of weeks ago, I was bragging about how happy I was. Wasn’t I?
It was only fair that life slapped me back into reality. See the grey skies on the picture? That’s pretty much what my inside feels like today. To give you the gist of it, as I landed back from a wonderful week in Philadelphia, I found out that my one-year-long relationship was abruptly ending. Did I see it coming? Not until the 48-hours that preceded my arrival.
I’ll bear you the details. This post is not a post about being sad. This post is about allowing myself the time to mourn my relationship and deciding to be happy no matter what. Great time to put my words into action.
About being sad
Of course I’m sad. It’s sudden. It feels like a rash decision.
When I think about all the good times we had together, I’m sad. When I think about not having him around to share the daily little things, I’m sad. When I think about never falling asleep in his arms again, I’m sad.
Add to that that I’m terrified at the idea of being alone again, and you’ll get pretty much where I’m at.
Last night, I got drunk with a good friend and then cried myself to sleep. I woke up sick around 2:00 a.m., in cold sweats, thinking “brr, what a terrible nightmare!” and then realized it wasn’t just a bad dream. It was the harsh reality and I was in deep pain.
But suddenly I thought about Vicki. I remembered the sadness of losing her. I remember her strength and her will to survive when everything went into a downward spiral for her. Her downward spiral had “Cancer” for a name. Mine only has “Heartbreak”. Not many people die of heartbreaks. Mine will heal.
Knowing that, I can trust the fact that it’s just a question of time. It’s okay if I still feel like crying, that will pass. What matters is that it’s up to me to decide if I want to linger into pain or if I want to be happy again. Because happiness was never because of him, happiness was always because of me. And I’m the only one that has the power to take it back.
Until next time, I’m leaving you with words stolen from Pink:
Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You’ve gotta get up and try…