This is the end.

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Lyon, France, September 2013

Only a couple of weeks ago, I was bragging about how happy I was. Wasn’t I?

It was only fair that life slapped me back into reality. See the grey skies on the picture? That’s pretty much what my inside feels like today. To give you the gist of it, as I landed back from a wonderful week in Philadelphia, I found out that my one-year-long relationship was abruptly ending. Did I see it coming? Not until the 48-hours that preceded my arrival.

I’ll bear you the details. This post is not a post about being sad. This post is about allowing myself the time to mourn my relationship and deciding to be happy no matter what. Great time to put my words into action.

About being sad

Of course I’m sad. It’s sudden. It feels like a rash decision.

When I think about all the good times we had together, I’m sad. When I think about not having him around to share the daily little things, I’m sad. When I think about never falling asleep in his arms again, I’m sad.

Add to that that I’m terrified at the idea of being alone again, and you’ll get pretty much where I’m at.

Last night, I got drunk with a good friend and then cried myself to sleep. I woke up sick around 2:00 a.m., in cold sweats, thinking “brr, what a terrible nightmare!” and then realized it wasn’t just a bad dream. It was the harsh reality and I was in deep pain.

But suddenly I thought about Vicki. I remembered the sadness of losing her. I remember her strength and her will to survive when everything went into a downward spiral for her. Her downward spiral had “Cancer” for a name. Mine only has “Heartbreak”. Not many people die of heartbreaks. Mine will heal.

Knowing that, I can trust the fact that it’s just a question of time. It’s okay if I still feel like crying, that will pass. What matters is that it’s up to me to decide if I want to linger into pain or if I want to be happy again. Because happiness was never because of him, happiness was always because of me. And I’m the only one that has the power to take it back.

Until next time, I’m leaving you with words stolen from Pink:

Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You’ve gotta get up and try…

  5 comments for “This is the end.

  1. Peggy
    March 13, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    Wow! Have you captured the universal aspects of heart break. My husband of 32 years left our marriage, abruptly, 15 years ago. I felt my own version of those things. It was a long journey, but my life is wonderful and has been for quite a while.

    Be happy!

    • Audrey
      March 14, 2014 at 12:43 pm

      Thanks Peggy. Those words mean a lot to me and I’m glad to hear that things turned out for the best. I’m a strong believer in the power of intentions and so far, it has done nothing but magic. No tears today at all and it’s already 5:45 pm here in France.

  2. delfe
    March 15, 2014 at 7:21 am

    Yes you will heal, yes the pain is here but you’ll move on. From my experience I can say that in fact this break up was the best thing it could happen. I whish I had the strenght to take the decision before him cause I wasn’t as happy as you were when your relation ended. But I took care of myself, learned a lot about what I don’t want (but still don’t know what I want clearly!). I thought I was weak but found out I was brave and strong. Being alone is being free to take time to understand yourself. And you will find another one! You’re smart, funny, have beautiful eyes and smile! Trust in you!

    • Audrey
      March 16, 2014 at 6:09 am

      Thanks Delfe! I’m really happy to hear you’re doing good. Now that we both have more time on our hands, we should hang out again sometime.

  3. delfe
    March 16, 2014 at 6:51 am

    Absolutly!

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